“It’s too bad God chose not to heal you” I have heard this quite a few times over the past month and a half. It shouldn’t surprise me though, honestly I have thought the same thing more times that I would like to admit.
Backtrack to June 17th… My family doctor told me a couple days prior that I should probably head to the ER. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to admit how sick I was, to myself or anyone else. Sunday came and I could hardly function from pain and exhaustion. So I went in. I remember the doctor coming in after all the tests and telling me I was being admitted and that the GI and surgeon would be coming to talk to me over the next couple of days to discuss what’s next. I remember the anger that filled me. It completely took over my body.
After I got to the room my pastor was the first one there. The moment he walked in I pulled the blanket over my head and started sobbing. We sat in silence for a while and then started the same conversation we’ve had many times before. WHY IS GOD NOT MAKING THIS BETTER!? Except this time it was different. I was so angry! And on top of that I was angry at myself for being angry with God. My pastor is one of my favorite people and I could listen to him preach everyday. But his words that day felt like knives!! I wanted him to have all the answers and tell me why this was happening. But he just kept saying “I don’t know why you are going through this and I am sorry” He told me again that God has a plan in all of this and that somehow God is going to use this situation for good.
I spent the next week and a half in the hospital waiting for surgery and a lot of that time reading about healing. I began to think about healing in a different way and I felt an incredible amount of peace. I was ready for surgery!! Healing isn’t always physical. My heart needed a whole lot of healing and He did that. I feel more joy than ever before. He healed the anger, the hurt and the brokenness I felt!
I still don’t know why all of this is happening and that’s okay. God is using my story in ways I could never have imagined. I have met so many people through this journey. I have been able to encourage and pray for complete strangers and it has been amazing. I am thankful God chose me to live this crazy journey!!
“Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You never failed me”
Do It Again – Elevation Worship